Hi. It's been a while. But, I have come to a conclusion. I don't want to stop blogging. But, I have to figure out a different way of doing so. Sometimes a fresh start and a location change can help. So, I have decided to start a new blog. But, I still have bits and pieces written for this blog that I never posted. So. Read on.

Cook Your Brains Out. August.

I sit in a quiet and empty camp, save my canine companion, Nikki.
The marks of the season are visible on my body - burn on my arms legs and hands in varying states of healing. Long, unkempt air and barely there personal grooming otherwise.

The end of the season is upon us, which feels surreal. 3 months gone. Cook your brains out - that's what I scrawled under my name at the Bearberry Pub at Julie's bush stagette a week ago. Elizabeth Ashton, The Plant 2012, Cook Your Brains Out.

I have discovered much this year/season. During, the past school year and indeed out planting, I have discovered so much weakness in myself. So much fear, so much shrinking. Why has this all risen to the surface in this year of joy and new beginnings? I don't know. But, I feel it is coming to an end. Last season, I discovered how resilient and strong I was, of course, weakness was there as well, but I made it through this crazy new challenge called bush cooking with no one there to guide me. This year I discovered new hesitancy. Forming myself around others wishes and strength, not wanting to makes waves. Yet, I resented it and I let that resentment explode out of me at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. I acted in ways that I am sorry to claim, but do it I must. And try get a handle on this temper that has reared its head too many times this summer. The flash. The jab. The hurt. And the regret that follows.

I hope to head into a different year this year. A year of joy, but a year of honing my tongue and mind, focusing on truer sources of strength than myself. Of loving and living better. Yes.

But back to the season. It has been good. There are many wonderful people in camp this year and many more moments of fun than last year. There have been theme nights, talent shows, an unreal and may I say, shocking, amount of skin on dress day.

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September.

I miss taking film photos, but it feels as if my hands have forgotten the feel of my camera. The heaviness, the weight and the significance of record. Taking photos with my new iPhone feels like an entirely different activity because it is.

But I miss the intimacy of film. The privacy. A photograph can stay forever hidden and unseen, if you don't want to physically share it with another.

I am excited to move to Saskatoon. For newness and change. But I had a moment of desperate sadness today, waking up in Saskatoon, eager to get back to Abbotsford for the start of school and to begin a new season with friends - married friends with houses and rooms of their own! How can I leave these people I love so deeply? I feel like it'll be like phantom limbs, waking up and feeling like they should be there. Down the hall. At supper. Every day.

School is weighing heavy. At this time of the semester, it always does. Next week holds three deadlines - two major and nerve inducing. When I think back to this time last year, there are elements that are the same as well as some encouraging differences.

Last year: I was stress- central, wondering if I was crazy to think I could head cook for 50 planters in the bush, taking required courses and scrambling to finish four classes. There were a lot of pep talks and a few tears. I was stepping down from my role as a Director at Atangard and while I thought (and feel now) it was probably for the best, it was a hard decision. I care deeply about Atangard and know that without sacrifice and committment, it can not exist. I felt like I was letting Atangard down by stepping back. While feeling a bit scared to tackle the new challenge of planting, I was eager for a new experience that was far away from Atangard and from school.

This year: Though I have nearly finished two more semesters in the meantime, treeplanting feels less than 7 months ago. But, like last year, I am ready to get out of the books and back into the bush. I am stressed about projects, yes, but not at the same level as last year. Though this may seem crazy to Tim (a new addition to my life since last year as well, who I am thrilled to lame and embarrassing levels about), I have taken many more breaks from school this year and it has come down a few notches on the importance scale. That few notches of change, I feel, brings it to a more healthy and sustainable level.

(WARNING: RANT TO FOLLOW, FOR REFLECTION, JUST SKIP TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH)

So, you may or may not have seen the video So You Want to go Treeplanting. It is pretty funny, but technically I am only allowed to think it is so funny, because I am "only a cook". For a moment, let me just mini-rant against this sentiment. NO, I am not a treeplanter. NO, I did not plant any trees this summer and I NEVER spent a day on the block. But, I did get multiple burns/scars from the oven, insanely hot pans, steam (seriously) and boiling water. Sometimes mice were my first company while making breakfast at 4 30 AM. I averaged 5 hours of sleep a night. I had to chip apart massive amounts of bacon that refused to thaw in the morning, with my fingers alternating between so numb they didn't work and so numb they throbbed with a weird shooting pain. With my insistence on chopping massive amounts of vegetables (and probably the way I chopped, to be honest) I now have a carpal tunnel type thing going on. When your (planters) day was over, I was still working. I was also working before you got up. So, don't tell me I didn't see the tough side of planting!

I hope you found that moderately amusing or I'll be very embarrassed. All that aside, I am excited to go back. Treeplanting can be a pain in the ass, as evidenced in the video and in my rant. But, it's also kind of awesome. Yes, I got sick of my tent by the end of the season. But I loved living outside all summer. I liked working with my hands instead of only my brain. A day of hard work does feel good and it does feel honest. Last summer, it was so easy to be present. Cooking, and most of the other positions out there, demand a lot of attention and energy. So, useless worrying just doesn't happen nearly as much as in normal life. I do a solid amount of useless worrying, so I mark that in the bonus column. I didn't have a lot of time to read and to reflect as I had kind of hoped going out there. Looking back, I don't think that's a bad thing. Being present is gift enough.

So, vive la plantation d'arbres!

Soon enough.

Elizabeth