I've mentioned The Moth (a story podcast) before - hook it up for yourself here. The stories are so varied - some are enlightening, some amusing, some I will only listen to once, and some I have already repeated many times. I threw it on this morning after getting a crap start to the day - no coffee, out of sorts, a few minutes late - instead of music. Music tends to equal inspiration/reflection/digestion, while voices equal companionship/company and often supply more of a brain reprieve. Today it was Josh Swiller's What I Lost in Africa. "See, I'm completely deaf. I can't hear anything without my hearing aids. I had about 10 years of daily speech therapy after school to learn how to speak. And it worked really well, I speak very well. I speak so well that people don't think I'm deaf. I speak so well that people don't get how hard it is. And that's frustrating, I felt like I was living a lie - I was lying to everyone yeah yeah I can hear you - and then to myself - it doesn't matter how much I'm missing if they think I can hear. So that's how I lived growing up and I was fed up and I decided I wanted to go somewhere so far away and so intense and so immediate and find a cause that was so intense that my deafness won't matter. I thought that was Africa. But when I saw these boys running away [with his bag containing money, ID, clothes and hearing aids] I was thinking, how can deafness ever not matter? When Maria and I were at the airport saying goodbye and I'm talking and she's writing notes back to me so I can understand her, and everything's changed, and there's this ocean between us, I mean, how can deafness not matter?"
As I was listening I was relating it to myself (of course). I could change I speak so well that people don't think I'm deaf to I handle my illness so well that people don't think I'm bipolar. And it is frustrating. Here's the thing I think that makes it so hard for me/everyone else. I have to (or feel I do) act strong on the outside because I am so weak, so thrown, so out of control on the inside. With the hurdles which people are given - Josh Swiller is deaf, I am bipolar, you are (insert yours here) reactions vary. What Josh said resonated, I've had similar lines of thought - I decided I wanted to go somewhere so far away, and so intense, and so immediate and find a cause that was so intense that my ________ won't matter.
Figuring out how my baggage (for true lack of a better word) and how I cope with it takes up much of my energy, too much. Because it does matter. That's where I get back to. I find a way to cope, to deal, to function - I try and forget that this is something that affects my every day, I want to forget, I want to be normal, I just want to live. But it matters and (wait for it) when someone steals your hearing aids on a beach in Africa - it all comes crashing down. On the way back to his base, after he was robbed and said goodbye to to his girlfriend, the bus Josh Swiller was in had a terrible accident. The little boy Josh traded seats with for more leg room died while he watched. He ends his story with the word unfair, a deep breath and a quiet thank you before he walks off. Sometimes that is all there is to say. It's unfair, and it's reality.
I'm sorry for ever being too hard on you. Please understand though, I don't read this post as a pity call. The thing is I know you and you know me and I just want to give you a big hug right now so that in the tiniest way you'd know that you're loveable, and you are loved, and you've got a lot to say and a lot to teach me, especially about run on sentences. I saw you with two more in the window across the street last night, and THAT was my magic hour. Peace.
yes. That Moth episode nearly made me cry on the bus. Nearly. The only one that has made me fully cry was 'Franny's Last Ride'.
PS check out 'This American Life'. Equally addictive, as promised by my friend Ben.
Comments (2)
I'm sorry for ever being too hard on you. Please understand though, I don't read this post as a pity call. The thing is I know you and you know me and I just want to give you a big hug right now so that in the tiniest way you'd know that you're loveable, and you are loved, and you've got a lot to say and a lot to teach me, especially about run on sentences. I saw you with two more in the window across the street last night, and THAT was my magic hour. Peace.
yes. That Moth episode nearly made me cry on the bus. Nearly. The only one that has made me fully cry was 'Franny's Last Ride'.
PS check out 'This American Life'. Equally addictive, as promised by my friend Ben.